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1. I prefer to work in
larger blocks of time with bigger spaces in
between sessions. Whether a couple is "stuck" in
something or not, I find that it is often more
cost-effective and works better in the long run
to do it this way, even though it is a bigger
investment of time and money up front. And while
you might think 4 hours is a long time for a
session, the most common reaction from clients
is, "The 4 hours is already up?! I can't believe
that much time has passed."
2. I like people a
lot. When clients or audience members ask me how
I can sit and listen to people's problems all
day long, I reply by saying, "If that's what I
did all day, I would have quit long ago." It is
fascinating for both my clients, and me, to
unravel the family system patterns that are
keeping them stuck, and then to help them
unravel and then learn new patterns in the
here-and-now that will help them get un-stuck.
There isn't a boring moment to be had.
3. With that
said, the only way to help a couple move out of
wherever it is they are stuck is for me to stay
outside of the relationship, and so I cannot
have an investment in whether or not you improve
your sex life, solve your financial problems, or
even if you stay together. But, I am
invested in whether or not you are aware of
where these patterns came from and when you are
acting with emotional integrity. If you want to
learn how to handle situations with more
integrity, I am there with you 100% to help you
learn what that behavior looks like. The paradox
here is that while I care deeply for my clients,
it is 100% up to them whether they "make
it" or not, which, as you may already be able to
see, means that over the past decade, many more
of the couples with whom I work eventually do
make it.
4. As mentioned above,
a good chunk of the work I do throughout the
sessions is in helping each person acquire
responses that have more integrity. If you get
"quiet and nice" when you are angry, you are
actually punishing the people around you in the
service of looking like the nice guy all the
time, which isn't very nice. You may decide that
you want to learn to do something more
constructive with your anger, in which case I am
very willing to help. If you scare people with
your anger--if you rage, criticize, bristle,
snap, and use sarcasm--then you may eventually
desire to learn how to soothe the fear, hurt ,
shame, or loneliness that are there beneath all
anger. In that case, I am more than willing to
help.
5. I do not give
homework assignments, because they keep the
couple dependent on me rather than working
through their issues, and it often deflects the
"heat" that is generated in the session. It is
the heat that creates the passion that creates
the intimacy--but only if you know how to handle
it with integrity. I try to get each person in a
partnership to confront herself or himself,
rather than spending a lot of time confronting
each other. After all, you don't need to spend
money to have someone listen to you complain
about your partner.
6. Each "block" of time
stands alone. You may do a 4-hour session and
then do no more after that. Also, it is rare
that we will go more than 12 hours with these
larger blocks of time, because in most cases, it
simply isn't necessary.
To Read more about my
Couples Therapy Assumption Click here
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